i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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