Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just forgot I was standing up.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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