I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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