At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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