Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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