I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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