How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
