I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
