Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
