A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
