just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Randomize
