I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Randomize
