people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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