Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
