I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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