$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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