Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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