just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
She needs sedatives and a leash
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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