Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
