she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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