How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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