Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Randomize
