I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
