Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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