Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
