When we talk. Remind me of these topics, photoshop, my bday, threesomes, and cherekee indians. I swear these are real topics...
New topics to add when we talk, sweden, boxing, and the band journey
I haven't been this sober since birth.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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