Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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