so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
