Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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