uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
