Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
