My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
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