I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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