So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
