yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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