I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
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