I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Randomize
