Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
