Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
two words...techno handjob
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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