Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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