I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
