I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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