She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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