So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
