so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
