3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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