I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Randomize
