I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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