I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
