You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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