Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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