he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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