How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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