My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Randomize
