Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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