fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
