she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
