just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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