He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
