"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
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