Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
